Harsh and hammering experiences can come from outside of ourselves or from within. Here are two examples. In the first I expected a harsh assessment and in the second I had so internalized harshness, that I was unnecessarily punishing of myself.
My husband and I have recently returned from a week in California with our daughter, my mother, and my siblings. My husband is the one in our household who pays the bills. When he had the time to tally our expenses and pay the top of the month bills, I was ready to hear a harsh assessment of our financial situation and that we would need to spend very carefully for the remainder of the pay period.
To my surprise, Jonny spoke without any harshness. He had balanced our checkbook and was able to report a good amount of money was left for this two week period.
Last August, when I presented to my peers in our group of spiritual directors, I had punished myself for having made a mistake with a directee earlier in the summer. Coincidentally, in the adjoining room, there was a repairman hammering nails into something for most of the hour. One member reflected that I was hammering myself, like the repairman was hammering on the wood. She asked me if I could I forgive myself for making a mistake. We all makes mistakes.
Like most people, I have been traumatized. Unfortunately, I have also mastered the art of traumatizing myself. Although I have been actively seeking healing for ten years, I am not used to the peace of mind, spirit, and body that the Risen One brings to me. I can experience it, but then it seems that a part of me readies myself for more of what I know so well. This is partly logical, for when we come to the Lord for healing, our circumstances don't change overnight. Yet, what a delight it is to experience having enough and being good enough.
My husband and I have recently returned from a week in California with our daughter, my mother, and my siblings. My husband is the one in our household who pays the bills. When he had the time to tally our expenses and pay the top of the month bills, I was ready to hear a harsh assessment of our financial situation and that we would need to spend very carefully for the remainder of the pay period.
To my surprise, Jonny spoke without any harshness. He had balanced our checkbook and was able to report a good amount of money was left for this two week period.
Last August, when I presented to my peers in our group of spiritual directors, I had punished myself for having made a mistake with a directee earlier in the summer. Coincidentally, in the adjoining room, there was a repairman hammering nails into something for most of the hour. One member reflected that I was hammering myself, like the repairman was hammering on the wood. She asked me if I could I forgive myself for making a mistake. We all makes mistakes.
Like most people, I have been traumatized. Unfortunately, I have also mastered the art of traumatizing myself. Although I have been actively seeking healing for ten years, I am not used to the peace of mind, spirit, and body that the Risen One brings to me. I can experience it, but then it seems that a part of me readies myself for more of what I know so well. This is partly logical, for when we come to the Lord for healing, our circumstances don't change overnight. Yet, what a delight it is to experience having enough and being good enough.
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